New York, New York
by Gabriel Zaldivar
It seems the rich just keep getting richer. It looks as though the New York Yankees will have the aid of yet another veteran journeyman. Jesus Christ of heaven has reportedly signed a seven-year, 180 million dollar contract.
Jesus “el saviorrrr” Christ has been a symbol of peace and goodwill for over 2,000 years. On the recent move Jesus relayed “It sorta just fell into place you know? I never really wanted to play in New York with all the hustle and bustle but come on 180 mil?”
Some critics see the acquisition as yet further evidence to the Yankees evil empire stature. Boston native, Red Sox fan, and all-around nice guy Jimmy Durantes was quoted as saying, “Jesus (expletive deleted), I don’t (expletive deleted) what he or any other (expletive deleted) at your (expletive deleted) mother,” which pretty much sums up the feelings across the nation.
Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed thoroughly pleased with his signing. It seems, however, that their pursuit of high priced talent may not be over, “We like Jesus. So we got Jesus. But we are always looking to bolster our lineup. We have been talking to the likes of Buddha, Muhammad, and whomever the Jews have been waiting around for. As the GM of the Yankees it really is my job to sign everyone in the whole entire universe!”
Jesus Christ is expected to make his first press conference on Monday. “You know I rest on Sunday, so I’ll see you all after the weekend. I can’t wait to put on the famed uniform…not to be an asshole but I look pretty good in pinstripes.” Yes you do Jesus, Yes you do.