There are two moments in my life that I remember with utter fondness; the first time I grabbed a boobie and the first time I opened my first can of Sparks. Sparks, as many know, is an alcoholic beverage produced by the good people at the Miller Brewing Company. It was their great wisdom that acknowledged how many drunks were busy passing out when they could still be awake and drinking. Well today they have decided to stop selling it thanks to an injunction by the State of Illinois.
Imbibe one Sparks and your night was that much sweeter. Of course if you happen to drink two or more you felt like you were having a heart attack and your face was melting for a good 45 minutes. But isn’t there a price for fun sometimes?
Well it seems that Sparks will be no more. So it is with this news that I give you my top three favorite times I drank Sparks and didn’t die:
3. The day I found Sparks Black label. This is the same exact drink with 1% more alcohol. That’s like having a girlfriend with 1% less talking.
2. My good friend James, my brother, and I decided to Spark gun. This is essentially the same as shot gunning a regular beer but with the added bonus of chugging a malted energy drink. After Spark gunning you realize that Sparks is not meant to be downed in less than 10 seconds. I remember not feeling bad immediately after. But I distinctly recall not feeling remotely good either. It was kind of like the time I sat down and watched Donnie Darko. I felt confused and was sure something was about to happen but nothing ever did, and I am pretty sure I threw up after.
1. The very first time, my brother and I sat across from each other and stared at two tall cans of what looked like energy drinks. After popping one each and tasting the beverage we realized it did not taste “that bad.” After half the can we experienced noticeable energy and wherewithal. After a whole can we decided to open and down the second in record time. This was immediately followed by the sensation of dying and total loss of wherewithal.
The state of Illinois gave us Barack Obama. Today, however, they reversed their graciousness by taking away Sparks. Shame on them. How am I supposed to celebrate our first black president with no malted beverage to kick it on the stoop with?