Author: gabezal

Always Interesting

by gabezal, posted in Sports

When certain athletes take to the podium they excite well beyond any news conference should. Allen Iverson is one of those athletes. Possibly outdoing his “practice” rant, Allen Iverson openly wept at the prospect of becoming a 76er yet again. He is happy. Philadelphia wants him back. Win-Win, Case closed right?

This might be the case if Iverson were a different person, but he is not. You can be assured; A.I. will take 25 shots a night and completely forget that there is a specific offense in place. He will force one on one situations multiple times a game. The coaching staff will boil and this will only be the start.

Once Lou Williams comes back from a broken jaw, the decision by Eddie Jordan to bench or start Iverson will commence. That is when we will find whether Iverson has truly changed or not.
I haven’t been the biggest Shaquille O’Neal supporter but his recent stint with the Cavs illustrates how the aging athlete should act. He accepts his role as role player to LeBron James. Iverson should realize that his best days are behind him and he should play for team first. It may be something he has never done but it is the only way he stretches this one year contract into another payday. My favorite quote from the day was “I want to retire here.” Well you may have to buddy. No NBA team wants a former All Star that causes headaches instead of producing wins.

Thanksgiving Plus One

by gabezal, posted in Food, Life
First day back in the office from Thanksgiving and the workers are moving a bit slower than usual. It could be that mono is spreading through the walls like wildfire or we are all stuffed from the holiday weekend.

I want to go ahead and say its the latter as I have heard no less than 20 times since this morning the following discussion.

Worker Bee 1: How was your weekend?

Worker Bee 2: Oh man I ate so much!

Worker Bee 1 (feigning astonishment): Me too!

This is the point that I walk right past the break room. The only thing more banal then mundane obligatory conversation is mundane obligatory annual conversation. Yes I know you ate a lot this past weekend, I did too. In fact there is a national fucking holiday commemorating the first turkey to get his ass stuffed and served to a bunch of wahoos. Actually it may have been Navajo. I’ve never been good at the geography of Indian tribes.

Deep Thoughts

by gabezal, posted in Sports

Well it seems like the Yankees and Phillies get to play at least one exhibition game each before heading to the World Series. Both Championship Series are all but wrapped up with cute little bows on them.

If the Dodgers do win tonight they have the great fortune of facing Cliff Lee again. If the Angels win tomorrow and in game six they have to face C.C. Sabathia. We all know how both teams fare against those respective aces. For a second let’s disregard the match-ups. Let’s get down to what really matters in baseball, the subtle nuances.

Some things I learned in the Championship Series round:

1) Ron Darling sounds remarkably like James Woods. I finally realized this because I chose to focus on the tenor and repetition of his syntax rather than listen to…

2) Buck Martinez is a nose breather. He breathes through his nose and while funny in the first inning became quiet annoying in the second. And that was game one. I had to sit through this man’s nose whistles all through the 27 outs of each game.

3) Matt Stairs may look like a Little League dad who goes out and drinks all week and plays softball with his buddies on Sundays, but to Jonathan Broxton, Matt Stairs looks like the monster you always believed was in your closet as a kid.

4) The American League series was a tight one if you take away all the home runs the Yankees hit. Also please imagine a world in which Alex Rodriguez dominates in the postseason, seems bleak right? Well that’s the world we live in now.

5) Tim McCarver is currently in a heated battle with the English language. Who will win I am unsure of but we are worse off for witnessing it.

6) I could have easily gone out and got five of my closest friends and umpired these games. We would have been just as effective and might not have blown so many calls.

7) ManRam takes a shower in the ninth of game four. A leader on the team, he is neither there to console or to praise had the Dodgers pulled the win out. I still do not understand why he is supported by the fan base in Los Angeles.

It may be a long layoff before the World Series. I for one will be stocking up on cases of beer. I have found that’s the only way to truly follow what Tim McCarver is trying to say. It makes watching the World Series more understandable.

A wee bit old

by gabezal, posted in Life

I’m turning 30 this year. While the number has no real meaning to me, the physical limitations that coincide are becoming more and more frustrating. Now I am not old. I know that. I realize that. I can gain a lot by relying on that fact. But I am older. The fact that it is now noticeable is quite disconcerting. Here some examples:

Stairs. I used to be able to go up stairs. Now I’m not a complete waste. I can manage a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat, but I am breathing harder than when I started. If I take two or more flights I experience chaffing thighs, runners high, and distinct feelings of regret. Now I can blame my physique but that would necessitate action and I’m content blaming my age and looking for escalators from here on out.

Drinking. I remember the days when a hangover consisted of brief bouts of puking with elongated headaches. Those were the days. Hangovers now consist of headaches, nausea, dirtying of chonies, lying to loved ones, and complete apathy to live for a week or so.

Pants. I remember the days I dressed depending on how I wanted to look that night. That was pretty sweet. I would be all “Hey, how does this look?” And if nonchalant grunts followed I changed. Now I dress according to what the fuck fits me that night. If its a full moon and I had too much watermelon, well it better be Adidas elastic shorts night at the club, otherwise I could go in my pajamas, boxers, or tie my comforter around me. I guess this isn’t old age just my stubbornness to buy bigger pants. It might stem from the fact that my nickname is already Sgt. Big Pants.

Passing out. I pass out now. Now this is different from college when 90% of your friends were passing out from extracurriculars. I now pass out in front of the television at 1 a.m. watching the slap chop guy. I used to mock my father for such abuses but now I do the exact same thing with astonishing regularity. It starts with a slow and gentle malaise that some might call apathy to leave a comfortable sofa. This turns into an altogether paralysis to do anything, even change the channel. You are then left to wake up at 5 in the morning watching Murder She Wrote.


Responsibility. Still trying to avoid this so let’s move on.


Time. The other day I did nothing. I mean I literally came home, sat down, and did nothing. I became very aware and bored of the nothing so I figured I should do something, but before I knew it, It was 1 a.m. and time to sleep. My problem is doing nothing exhausts so much time now that I am older. I used to be able to waste significant amounts of time in high school and it would feel like weeks. Hell, I spent four years in college accomplishing little to no amount of sizable achievements and that felt like pretty much four years. Now if I get caught watching a couple episodes of “It’s Always Sunny” my whole night is shot.

So come and take me 30’s. I may be only moderately prepared but I am well aware I have little to no say in the matter.

A Call to American Footie Fans

by gabezal, posted in Life, Sports

I was lucky enough to attend the recent friendly match pitting Chelsea against Inter-Milan. I had a great time. I was able to see my favorite team without traveling on a plane for more than ten hours. While I enjoyed myself, most around me feigned interest and became anxious in the “uneventful” parts of the game. Shouts of “shoot the ball” came as forwards held the ball well outside the box. I became quite aware then that Soccer has an uphill battle to become one of the bigger sports in America.

Soccer like any sport can be painstaking at times. An ex-hater of soccer I understand why. There is too much nuance to witness. Fans of soccer get excited about a well executed pass or a well received ball. These are not things easily measured. American sports fans want to see results and they want them in number form.

People want to know that someone got a hit, or a sack, or ran for ten yards and got a first down. Soccer may just be too abstract a concept for some of us right now. We tend to ignore the finer, less obvious things in this country. We eat at restaurants and order meals without any thought of the preparation that went into it. This is what a good portion of the 90 minutes of a soccer match is, preparation. What European fans seem to enjoy and what may be lost on all of us is that sometimes the means can be just as enjoyable as the end.

ESPN can show highlight goals to entice viewers of SportsCenter. Eventually though, American fans will have to change the way they take their sports if they are to enjoy the beautiful game. We will be a better sports nation for it.

Restroom Awkward

by gabezal, posted in Life

I have a problem with some of the etiquette that has been occurring with regularity at the men’s urinal. Many of us men have a keen awareness of the necessary decorum to be used in a public restroom. The rest of us had to learn through trial and error. I submit to you five absurdities I have witnessed and would like to stop seeing.

1. I have seen a grown man at the urinal with his pants at his ankles. I was quite sure this man knew of the awkward position he and I were both in at the time and appreciated the quickness with which he picked up his pants. I would say this was an anomaly if I did not see this act twice in two different locales. Either I am visiting the wrong lavatories or I am doing everything all wrong.

2. For some reason the office restroom is a no holds barred, anything goes atmosphere. Men busy taking a deuce are many times on the phone conducting business like this was a war room on Wall Street. Please refrain from telling your wife to remember to take the kids to piano at the same time you are busy pinching a loaf. It disturbs me that the woman on the other end of this call accepts all your faults including this one.

3. Another office specialty is the old guy reading a paper at the urinal. I understand that your prostate is roughly the size of a Japanese gymnast but please refrain from reading the whole sports page while I’m waiting in line. I hope to never know the pleasure of a ten minute whiz that comes in droplet form but you are making us all anxious.

4. Please use all urinals as place holders. If space permits use the urinal the farthest away. I have a friend that time and again likes to sidle up to any one of us like he was telling us a secret. We can get as close as you want after I pee but for the moment please move away while my wiener is in the open air.

5. For the great genius designing bathroom layouts. Stop with the awkward urinal placements. Many dive bars are guilty of this transgression. They try to fit in as many as they can in a small place. Now I’m forced to pee standing back to back to the drunk dude with no balance. I can clearly see he is missing his mark and it’s making me uncomfortable. Then when I’m done I have to maneuver in some weird metal gear solid way so I don’t accidentally induce foreplay with a strange gentleman.

These are all five very real problems that I think can be remedied. It does alleviate some stress to know that while our restrooms look and feel like a men’s restroom, rumor has it the women’s restroom has a certain methadone clinic in Bosnia atmosphere.

Uncle Darrow’s

by gabezal, posted in Food

Once in a while I visit an eatery that typifies passion and dedication. I recently visited Uncle Darrow’s Cajun eatery and realized why I love this place. The owner Ronald and the rest of the staff just plain care.

Upon entering the establishment you are typically greeted and asked if you are visiting for your first time. If it is, be prepared for a friendly rundown of the menu and some free samples. I would recommend limiting your samples as you will want to order everything you taste.

Here is the overlying problem with Uncle Darrow’s. The food is not good for a motivated person. My favorite Po’ Boy is the Zeke. It is a combination of bread, fried catfish, fried shrimp, and potato salad. You see, there is no way to get any errands done after eating a sandwich like that. I recently had half a Zeke, jambalaya, and gumbo from Uncle Darrow’s. I immediately went home and stared at a wall for three hours.

Normally food of this weight would be hard to get through. It can be easy to over fry or under fry and get the food all greasy. This is far from true at Uncle Darrow’s. The seafood is always served hot, fresh, and crispy. My favorite side may just be their File Gumbo, a sopping concoction of shrimp, crab, and sausage with a hint of spice.

Either way I cannot recommend this place enough. I would just pencil in a nap after visiting.

The Hollenbeck Burrito

by gabezal, posted in Food

A burrito should strike fear when it is placed before you. That is the main difference between a burrito and some stuff wrapped in a tortilla. A burrito should necessitate a plan of action. You should have to take a second and realize that the plans you may have had for the rest of the day will go unfulfilled. That’s a burrito.

I happen to be indulging at the moment in what I and many others find to be the pinnacle of Los Angeles burritos, the Hollenbeck. El Tepeyac, Manuel’s to many, has always been a special place to me. My parents would take us when the mood struck and we were good. That’s right. When other kids were being taken to the circus or a museum I was being carted off to eat burritos.

The Hollenbeck is about a pound and a half of meat and rice and beans and guacamole all placed perfectly together in a tortilla like a boy band about to go on tour. Like said boy band they rock the shit out of my taste buds. The meat is stewed all day in a red chile sauce giving each bite a tender texture. You get plenty of meat throughout and a ladle is generously portioned on top of the burrito. That’s right. After they run out of room stuffing the burrito with meat they scoop some on top. Why? Because more meat won’t fit in the burrito, that’s why!

When you first get your burrito you immediately realize that it is as big as an infant. Sometimes I don’t know whether to eat it or raise it to be something in this world: doctor, lawyer, hell something honorable. I mean at the very least something better than me at this time. I often think my burrito could be a major league baseball star if it just applied itself. Burritos. Right? Ah, you have to let them make their own mistakes I guess.

Immediately after you eat this tortilla baby you are faced with two brutal truths: 1) You now realize you have no self respect and probably could have saved some of that burrito for later but were smitten with the taste of gently stewed pork chunks, and 2) You need to get home as soon as possible.

Becoming a Fan

by gabezal, posted in Life, Sports

I’ve been a soccer fan for a few years now and have followed Chelsea for that same amount of time. I have always considered myself one of the Chelsea faithful but have not been so convinced of that fact until today.

Growing up around sports I find it is easy to follow your team when the going is good and the wins are easy. Living in L.A. I may have become a Dodgers and Lakers fan regardless of winning percentage. But the fact that my developmental years were spent watching around the back passes from Magic to Worthy and shutout innings being thrown by Orel Hershiser made it easier to fall in love with those teams.

Yet you never feel quite complete as a fan until your team loses a big game. You never truly understand what the rooting did to you emotionally and physically. You back a team through the thick and stick with them through the thin because that is your conviction and that is who you choose to trust. When the people you trust break your heart you know you are invested for life.

I remember 1989 and the Piston’s sweep of the Lakers in the finals. Being nine at the time I don’t mind telling you I cried that night. I remember the ineptitude of the early ninety Dodgers teams. They had me holding onto the dream that we could repeat the miracle of ’88.

At almost thirty years old, I had the same experience yet again. Nil-nil going into today’s second leg semi-final, Chelsea lost in injury time to Barcelona. They finished ninety minutes as the assured finalists in this years Champions League final match. They came within a minute and a half of completing something worthwhile to a lackluster season. As does happen so often in sport. The unexpected happenened.

Barcelona scored with little time left in injury time allowing them to go ahead in the tie breaker scenario. When Iniesta connected with the ball my heartbroke. In so many of these events in my life. I know when the inevitable is about to happen. As the ball swept passed Cech’s outstretched arm I buried my head in my hands in disgust.

I can take refuge in the fact that I am part of a faithful of Chelsea fan that felt the same way today. I can take soalce in the fact that we will have no alternative but wait until next season to root again. I can take pride in the fact that there is nothing more I can do about the pain. I am a Chelsea fan after all.

Weekend Tacos

by gabezal, posted in Sports

A Saturday so filled with amazing sport is usually saved for late March. Though in May, tomorrow should give us ample opportunity to sit on the couch and not move for three or ten hours. So here are the top three tacos to watch Saturday, complete with which method of drink you should be pounding.

135th Kentucky Derby
The main race should be around 3PST. So my morning may consist of looking for ingredients for my mint julep and a very large hat. This may be a tight one as there are no clear cut favorites this time around. The early favorite is ‘I want Revenge‘ who is now going off at 3-1. The most interesting horse is the colt ‘Pioneer of the Nile.’ He has the strength and longevity to finish but has only been a turf or synthetic surface horse until now. If he transitions to dirt well he may be near the top at the turn.

What to drink
Mint Julep There is something sophisticated yet down home about a mint julep. In fact its the only cocktail that you can sip while wearning boxers and no shirt and still be snooty about it.

The Game Seven to end all Game Sevens
Ever since Game six between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls occurred every sports pundit has touted this series as the greatest thing to happen since late night spaghetti bowls before bed. It has been a great series. But the fact remains that the winner will still lose to Cleveland eventually. However, because almost every game this series has been a close, hard hitting, controversy inducing match up, I will not miss seven. Well at least not the fourth quarter.

What to Drink
Because of the location, you have to go Sam Adams. By now you should have a euphoric feeling of malaise. It’s ok tomorrow is Sunday and you have nothing to do.

Pacquiao v. Hatton
Last time I saw Pacquiao fighting he was beating up a poor old Mexican lady. No one seemed to care either. They just allowed the Phillipino pugilist to land blow after blow on the defenseless Oscar Dela Hoya. It was a scary sight but I couldn’t divert my eyes. PacMan’s complete beat down on Dela Hoya illustrated his veracity at pretty much any weight class. I would be ready to bet the farm on his ability to dismantle Hatton if it weren’t for Floyd Mayweather Sr. and his dedication to defense. Hatton has always been a puncher that would come at you and worry about the repercussions later. Having a stiff chin and deft swing allows that. However, this fight is different. Pacquaio can fly around the ring and will most assuredly get his punches in. If Hatton learned to dodge this late in his career this may just be better than the beating of an old Mexican I saw last year.

What to Drink
San Miguel or Guinness – Then take a nap.